Sunday, January 13, 2008

Monday Poetry Train - Grief

Okay, how's this for wacky.

I wrote a poem yesterday as an example for a writing exercise.

Today I went to Poefusion's Friday Five to get the weekly words for my Monday Poetry Train poem. I just happened to have used two of those words in yesterday's poem. Ooooh, twilight zone, man... considering all the English words in the world.

So, I decided to rewrite the poem, adding the remaining three words.

The words were: cease, intense, floss, prey, swallow

To see the original poem, and also the exercise through which I created this poem, CLICK HERE.

GRIEF

She sobs at the kitchen table
surrounded by yesterday's mail
floss of hair cascading around
shoulders’ intense wracking
through an irreparable crack
in the foundation of
her daily routine

Life with my father would forever more
be a litany of past-tenses
He was a good man...
He had a contagious smile...
He loved his work...

Dinner, newspapers, the garden
all but pain ceased to exist
it swallowed us whole

Grief, true grief,
is helpless and empty-handed
an immeasurable wrench
preying on the gut
no mortal words
can relieve


Jump on Rhian's Poetry Train. You know you want to.

10 comments:

paisley said...

great instrumentation of the prompts... now over to poetry train i will go.....

artpredator said...

floss of hair!

tomorrow night i look forward to comparing the 2 and the exercise

btw, my sidebar is back--i deleted the culprit post

gautami tripathy said...

I like the way it goes. Tumbled hair, deep sadness...

julia said...

The perfect poem for me to bump into.

'Life with my father would forever more
be a litany of past-tenses'

'an immeasurable wrench
preying on the gut
no mortal words
can relieve'

Exactly.

R.G. ALEXANDER said...

I have no words-you took all the cool ones :)
Great poem! "life with my father would forever more be a litany of past tenses"

*clapping*

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Mmm. Damn. That last stanza's a killer. And I love that image in the first -- the mail, the hair, the crying. Wow.

Danika / OpenChannel said...

Hi paisley, don't know if I've seen you here before, so thanks and welcome.

Hey AP - I was going to ask if people could tell which two words were in my original poem and which 3 I added later. Hopefully they all blended so well together that they felt natural.

I admit "floss" wasn't one of my original... but I do love "floss of hair"

Danika / OpenChannel said...

Thanks, Gautami!

Julia - it's a tough thing to write about and sound sincere, I think. Rather than sappy, I mean.

Vicki said...

I love this poem! I was going to try one, but I kept coming back to read yours again. :)

writerwoman said...

Wow, the last stanza is really gut wrenching. Fantastic job on this.

The grief blog is running a poetry contest. Stop by PWb for a link to it, if you want.

Hope you are having a great weekend.